Risk: The Presidential Edition
A Board Game for the Morally Bankrupt
OBJECTIVE:
Win control of the most lucrative territories while maintaining plausible deniability. Casualties do not count unless they can be spun into a PR opportunity. Bonus points for beachfront acquisitions.
PLAYERS:
• The U.S. President – Real estate mogul turned world leader, eyeing prime locations for future golf courses.
• The King of Jordan – Stuck between a rock and a hard place, desperately blinking in Morse code for help.
• The Israeli Prime Minister – Building settlements faster than Monopoly hotels.
• The People of Gaza – Not actual players, just pieces that can be moved, removed, or erased entirely.
RULES OF ENGAGEMENT:
1. Humanitarian Aid as a Game Mechanic – Players may choose to allow a select few civilians to escape, but only if they meet strict qualifications, such as (a) being a child with cancer, (b) having survived multiple bombings without complaint, or (c) serving a strategic purpose in an upcoming photo op.
2. The Real Estate Expansion Rule – Players may claim territories under the justification of “future economic development.” Bonus points for using the words “opportunity,” “innovation,” and “peace” in the same sentence while describing an active war zone.
3. Refugee Transfer Protocol – Should any population become inconvenient, they may be “relocated” to a neighboring player’s board. The receiving player is allowed to protest but must ultimately accept the move if their economy is weak enough. Excess blinking is permitted but does not alter gameplay.
4. Media Perception Bonus – Players who successfully frame mass displacement as a “win for stability” earn additional points. Statements like “We are working towards a solution” may be used indefinitely without actual follow-through.
GAMEPLAY SCENARIO:
• The U.S. President rolls the dice. It lands on “Economic Development,” granting him permission to describe Gaza’s obliteration as an exciting investment opportunity. He gestures broadly toward the coastline, envisioning a five-star resort where bombed-out hospitals currently stand.
• The King of Jordan glances at his cards. He is holding “Millions of Refugees” and “Zero Leverage,” which severely limit his options. He blinks rapidly, signaling distress. No other players acknowledge this.
• The Israeli Prime Minister plays a “Security Threat” card, allowing further airstrikes. He gains additional territories. Any objections are automatically redirected to the discard pile.
• The People of Gaza attempt to play a “Humanitarian Crisis” card, but it is deemed invalid because it has been played too many times before. They are instructed to wait until the next round, assuming they survive.
WINNING THE GAME:
Victory is declared when all opposition has been sufficiently displaced, demoralized, or deleted from the board. The final move involves a press conference where the remaining players smile and shake hands, using phrases like “progress,” “hope,” and “unprecedented peace initiative.”
The game ends when there is nothing left to fight over—only beachfront property and silence.
EXPANSION PACKS:
• “War Crimes: The Collector’s Edition” – Featuring new ways to rebrand civilian casualties.
• “Refugee Roulette” – Spin the wheel to see which country is forced to take in the displaced!
• “Moral Outrage Fatigue” – Includes a media guide on how to normalize mass suffering through repetition.
DISCLAIMER: Any resemblance to actual world events is purely coincidental. Probably.